First Festive season for my Baby

The arrival of the holy month of Shravan in India signals the start of festivals . We have a close knit extended family plus loads of friends so having a busy and gala time. Not to mention that since my babu is now six months started introducing outside food, so extra cooking, spit ups , clean ups etc etc. August just flew by. Every weekend was filled with outings or visits to relatives or relatives dropping by.

The first seasons for babu and first festivals too. Janmashtami was fun. We had celebrations in our complex. Each child was given a pot which they or in my case the mommy would decorate and the child would then break it (filled with water and petals) along with the others as part of Dahi Handi celebrations. This festival marks the birth and childhood of Lord Krishna. I wanted to dress up my DS as Bal Krishna, but didn’t like any ready made outfits so fashioned one out of a yellow blouse piece. I felt so proud at the outcome J. A proud mommy. There was music , snacks , ice creams and loads of fun.

I was tired but had a feeling of achievement as a homemaker and mom as everyone appreciated the dress I fashioned or as I dished out impromptu snacks for last minute guests. Sharavan will soon end but festivities will go on till end of November. So excited and happy.

My baby taught me to slow down

After the baby arrived I realized that I was too set in my ways, had too many hang ups about how certain things should be done around the house, about routines and among other things I had become the slave of the clock. What does that mean? Well, I lived by the watch. So what is bad in that you ask?

They say too much of anything is harmful, so that is the case with me. I would try to race against the time, multitask like crazy, try to do too many things at once; constantly watching the clock. I was too disciplined about being on time, yes that is good. But even when we had to leave for a function with friends or so I would act like I had a flight to catch and become irritated if they were late by say even five minutes.

But my babu made me realize my shortcomings , this one among others. Babies don’t care what the clock hands point to. They know only what their bodies tell them. Feed when hungry, sleep when tired and rest of the time play to their heart’s content. Peaceful existence. No deadlines as to by which date to start turning or sitting or walking or talking. Each baby decides for herself. Wish we could live like that. May be not a very good idea for grown ups. A little deadline, and our needs are good to keep us on track and not let us slide into lethargy.

But, since I am working on a new me, patience is also going to be something I will work on. Also I am trying to be a little relaxed about certain household hang-ups. These will definitely make my life much simpler and me much more peaceful. Constantly racing against time gets me so wired up , that I am unable to appreciate the chores and jobs that get tackled successfully . So now occasionally  (especially during the feedings which are a compulsory breaks ;)) , I take deep breathes , relax my muscles and give an imaginary pat on my back as I go through all I have accomplished through the day till then.

This has also made me accept myself as a human being and not a robot to get everything 100% correct. Long ago, my then head of department had pointed out to me that I was too strict on myself and had to allow myself a little margin for error, as trying to be perfect all the time took a toll on me. But all that for another day.

Now I try to live each moment, may it be feeding, cleaning , cooking or successfully pacifying a sometimes cranky baby. This moment will not return and is best thoroughly enjoyed now.

Path through the domestic clutter

How do you go about clearing a path through the rubbles? Ok, so I am exaggerating the chaos but the question ‘where do I start kept niggling me.’

I kept reminding myself to stay calm and that my babu was my priority. Since I was breast feeding him, I atleast didn’t have to worry about making and storing baby foods.

Flylady keeps reminding us that the place did not clutter in a day so it will take time to clear. I started following the newsletter again and working a bit on the zones. The zone that was on when I started was kitchen which worked just fine for me. I had to order groceries , veggies etc. So I did wiping and cleaning as I went about storing them. So within a week the kitchen was, if not its old self, at least civilised.

As I kept up going bravely with one bag at a time, one drawer at a time; Soon tabletops began to appear. Floor space resurfaced. Of course my loving DH helped me and supported me along the way.

 With the de-cluttering slowly my mind de-cluttered. Believe me an untidy surrounding can really clog the thoughts. There are still a lot of things that need work. Slow and steady is how I plan to go. Everything from my wardrobe , clothes , kitchen stuff, hobby stuff, THE PROJECTS will all get sorted in due course of time.

This is also when the thoughts of doing something to express myself and returning back to the blog came to me. Here I am, Miles to go before I rest.

Will I ever be able to organise this chaos that is threatening to takeover my life? A feeling of anxiety (was it simply that or terror) made its way up my tummy, threatening to choke me . I burst into tears; this would be the first of a number of breakdown episodes that would follow in the next 48 hours.

After five years of wishing and praying, our bundle of joy has arrived. I spent three months at my mother’s recuperating. I was on a holiday from day to day homemaking responsibilities. That gave me ample time to think. And believe me a baby teaches you a lot of things. But, let me leave all that for later.

I had just returned home after three months. In those months my home had turned into a bachelor pad. Chaos is the name that comes to mind as look around. I was surrounded by bags, not only those that I brought with me during the shift from mom’s, but also the gifts that I had sent weeks before after the naming ceremony of our DS.

 I had no shelf space to unpack our (baby’s and mine) bags. The shelf I had emptied for Babu was cluttered by now. Thankfully my mom was with me to help me settle. As I mentioned I broke down into tears a number of times in the first two days. Then decided to tighten my belt and get to work. My baby did not need a sloppy home as well as a cry baby for a mother.

For the longest time I have been toying with the idea of de-cluttering, organising, minimalistic living ...... basically de-cluttering and organising every aspect of my life. I started taking baby steps with Flylady off and on. But I could not get over my hoarding nature. Projects were initiated but they never saw the day of light. Everything interested me from collecting imported chocolate wrappers (which I did as a child with little access to these goodies) to coins and stamps. Never got around to doing any of these seriously enough so I find a few coins here, a few currency notes there .... Well you get the picture.

Five years in our new apartment and I kept making excuses to myself for the delay. But now I had to pull up my socks and just do it. So as I go ahead I will also write about organising. Well, I will also have to control myself and remember the mess won’t get cleared overnight. It will take time to set routines, de-clutter, make place for each item. I should not get carried away and then crib out of that frustration. Oh yes! I am a big cribber. It’s a good thing that my husband is a patient soul ;).

Ok, so one more thing to change my cribbing nature. Well looks like it is going to be all round revamp personally, mentally, physically, emotionally, etc etc. Let me get to work. 

New Beginnings

As usual I did not keep up with the blog. Two posts and I disappeared. A lot has happened since and I am now a mom to my four month old prince. He is really a doll. He is playing on his own right now while I sit here typing this.

Hopefully this time I will post more often. Fingers crossed. Post delivery I have been itching to do something to, I think, ascertain myself of normalcy. To have 'Me' time, to be able to express myself or to be able to contribute to the now increased household expenses ... Well whatever it might be. I have to confess I am going through a myriad of emotions.

 I am happy that my long awaited wish of being a mom has been granted , then again I am no longer earning. From being on the verge of joining our family business full time and helping set up office , I am now a full time SAHM. A lot of you who are reading this may have gone through this feeling that I am going through where monthly income stops and you are now dependent on your hubby. My DH has no qualms about me shopping or spending for he knows I never go on a shopping spree or indulge in foolish impulsive buys. But is Dil ko kaun samjhaye ( Who will explain this to my heart).

So now after this brief description of my state, I will start posting my journey here onwards. Also I would love to share a post here and there about my struggle with trying to be a mom before I conceived. Probably someone out there going through it will feel comforted and feel a little better while TTC. The posts may seem about this that and everything and haphazard to some. But that's what this is about my world , my reflections. J

Grape juice ... for my soul

I have to definitely try and include fruits in my diet. Both me and hubby are not great on remembering to eat fruits. We get this sudden urge to eat healthy and buy a variety, but after a couple of days poor things they are out of sight in the fridge and out of mind.

A couple of weeks ago I discovered some black grapes in the fridge waiting for us to discover them . So they were a little soft but very sweet. With the new enthusiasm, that I am trying to maintain, I searched for a recipe for grape juice . Sure enough I found a simple one. Lo behold ! lovely and refreshing grape juice was ready to quench our thirst on this hot summer mid-morning. 

Here are pics and recipe in short. So I first washed and then cooked the grapes slightly in water. This makes them softer.

Next , I blended it and sieved it. Add Sugar and Chat masala as per taste.

 Enjoy !!

I felt really good after making it. I have decided to keep myself busy . Try new things , make some conscious changes in my life. During the day, I stop and think about all the things I have accomplished that day and pat myself on the back. This reminds me that I am capable of doing so many things efficiently. This boosts my moral. The wait is still a part of life , but now I try to see that it does not bog me down.

I thank my lord daily, for he is helping me discover so many things about myself. I know awesome things are in store for me.

I am back !

HI ! I return after, what do I say, a sabbatical ? More like I got lost in catching up with whatever life had in store for me. Trying to mould myself.... trying to stay ahead. Changed a couple of jobs , got married , bought a home together, car, now am trying to juggle n number of roles and waiting for the much awaited one, for which I became a homemaker four years ago, that of a mother.

TTC comes with its fair share of challenges, especially when it’s unexplained. Watching friends and relatives making family, facing the questions of relatives (who seem more worried about your life than their own). At times facing comments and unwanted advices of interfering acquaintances. Fighting with your own demons, own fears, struggling  to stay positive.

With the support of an amazing spouse , parents, sister and friend am trying to stay sane. Stay positive.

Why me? This question pops every day, more so when the sad reminder of another month gone by comes. I have always been interested in Yoga, meditation and alternate healing techniques. So with the help of these am trying to, not only answer the “ Why me?” question , but am also trying to reinvent my life for a better future.

When I look back on my life so far, I realise the reason for various events that took place, reason for various people that I have met and reasons for various lessons life has thought me. It was just God’s way of directing me to what was best for me. He was helping me prepare myself for life’s tests. Yes , I see it in Hindsight. But again my mind questions , so why the delay in blessing me , us with our bundle of joy?

My husband, who like my mother, is a patient soul with complete faith in Almighty’s plan. He says that God has chosen a really special soul to be placed in our arms and that is why he is taking time , so that everything will be perfect when it comes into our life. I am not so patient, and tend to question and argue about this. Feel, like many women in my shoes, that I am being wronged. But very recently I have felt a change coming over me. I am feeling calm. I am hind sighting.

I have been visualizing and thinking positive , just as “The Secret “ advises us. But now I have started feeling strongly that if what my husband says ( I believe him) is correct then I should be working towards creating a perfect environment for the child. May be God is giving me time for all the changes that I have always wanted to make in me and my life. I feel Almighty’s warm presence and his blessings. I am taking some small step towards a new me of whom I have only dreamt.

I am a very private person.I  don’t open up much with strangers. But a few days back a strange thought came to me one night. There may be so many like me out there, who are going through the same experience. What if somehow in a tiny way my thoughts help them.... But exposing myself to the world is terrifying. Ok, I tell myself, so what if some feel I sound immature or worse come worse stupid. But putting those positive words and my trial out there would only lighten my soul. What if I am not able to continue it, what if I don’t stick to my plan to change and give it up like so many things I have probably left halfway? So what this isn't some competition, nor is it some sort of test. Who is to know? So by now you know that I am a habitual worrier and a very timid person J

So here goes, I will at least start ..... God bless me.