HI ! I return after, what do I say, a sabbatical ? More like
I got lost in catching up with whatever life had in store for me. Trying to
mould myself.... trying to stay ahead. Changed a couple of jobs , got married ,
bought a home together, car, now am trying to juggle n number of roles and
waiting for the much awaited one, for which I became a homemaker four years
ago, that of a mother.
TTC comes with its fair share of challenges, especially when
it’s unexplained. Watching friends and relatives making family, facing the
questions of relatives (who seem more worried about your life than their own). At
times facing comments and unwanted advices of interfering acquaintances.
Fighting with your own demons, own fears, struggling to stay positive.
With the support of an amazing spouse , parents, sister and
friend am trying to stay sane. Stay positive.
Why me? This question pops every day, more so when the sad
reminder of another month gone by comes. I have always been interested in Yoga,
meditation and alternate healing techniques. So with the help of these am
trying to, not only answer the “ Why me?” question , but am also trying to
reinvent my life for a better future.
When I look back on my life so far, I realise the reason for
various events that took place, reason for various people that I have met and
reasons for various lessons life has thought me. It was just God’s way of
directing me to what was best for me. He was helping me prepare myself for life’s
tests. Yes , I see it in Hindsight. But again my mind questions , so why the
delay in blessing me , us with our bundle of joy?
My husband, who like my mother, is a patient soul with
complete faith in Almighty’s plan. He says that God has chosen a really special
soul to be placed in our arms and that is why he is taking time , so that
everything will be perfect when it comes into our life. I am not so patient,
and tend to question and argue about this. Feel, like many women in my shoes,
that I am being wronged. But very recently I have felt a change coming over me.
I am feeling calm. I am hind sighting.
I have been visualizing and thinking positive , just as “The
Secret “ advises us. But now I have started feeling strongly that if what my
husband says ( I believe him) is correct then I should be working towards
creating a perfect environment for the child. May be God is giving me time for
all the changes that I have always wanted to make in me and my life. I feel
Almighty’s warm presence and his blessings. I am taking some small step towards
a new me of whom I have only dreamt.
I am a very private person.I don’t open up much with
strangers. But a few days back a strange thought came to me one night. There
may be so many like me out there, who are going through the same experience.
What if somehow in a tiny way my thoughts help them.... But exposing myself to
the world is terrifying. Ok, I tell myself, so what if some feel I sound
immature or worse come worse stupid. But putting those positive words and my
trial out there would only lighten my soul. What if I am not able to continue it,
what if I don’t stick to my plan to change and give it up like so many things I
have probably left halfway? So what this isn't some competition, nor is it some
sort of test. Who is to know? So by now you know that I am a habitual worrier
and a very timid person J
So here goes, I will at least
start ..... God bless me.
